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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23334061">Stay the F Home, You Absolute Morons</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/betheflame/pseuds/betheflame'>betheflame</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kocuria/pseuds/kocuria-visuals'>kocuria-visuals (kocuria)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BAMF Pepper Potts, Bucky Barnes Speaks For Me, Covid Fic, Gen, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Self-Indulgent, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Stark Has A Heart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:40:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23334061</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/betheflame/pseuds/betheflame, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kocuria/pseuds/kocuria-visuals</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With a global pandemic on the horizon, Pepper gets to work. As it hits New York, Bucky has <i>feelings</i> about people not staying home, and Tony gives some folks a talking to.</p><p>___</p><p>“Friday, here’s my favorite part,” Tony said, mouthing the words along with Bucky.</p><p>“Because I can’t shoot the virus like I shot Nazis, but if you’re willingly spreading this thing, then you are classified as a terrorist and I’m sure I’ll soon be allowed to shoot you, so get the fuck off the public lawn and GO THE FUCK HOME YOU ABSOLUTE MORONS.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Parker &amp; Tony Stark, Steve Rogers &amp; Tony Stark, Tony Stark &amp; Avengers Team</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>246</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>COVID fics, Lock Down Fest</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Stay the F Home, You Absolute Morons</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Y'all, I wrote this in <i>one day</i> because <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=antw28XQhSM">Seb's YouTube</a> rant last night inspired me. This is 100% the most self-indulgent fic I've ever written and it is all ko's fault.</p><p>(ko's note: it was actually less than 10h, Flame...)</p><p>If you're in the mood for seeing how this would all look right now if our favorites were in charge, then this fic is for you. </p><p>If reading about covid is too much for you, no worries, chickens. I'll see you in the next fic.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><hr/><p> </p><p>One of the benefits of being on a team with a futurist is that very little surprised Tony. He had been prepared for SARS, for Ebola, for the 2008 recession and he’d trained Pepper well, which is why, in the winter of 2019, when she called a team meeting to discuss something she saw in China, they assembled immediately.</p><p>“There’s something coming,” she said to the assembled crowd. “Something <em>big</em>, and something not enough people understand.”</p><p>Tony peered at his CEO from his place at the table. “Pep, what are you not saying?”</p><p>She bit her lip and Tony froze.</p><p>“Pep,” he said slowly and glanced over at Steve, who also looked alarmed, “that’s your ‘I actually can’t process what is happening right now’ face.”</p><p>“Because I actually can’t,” she said. “Bruce, who do you know in epidemiology?”</p><p>“A few people,” he said. “Natural or synthetic?”</p><p>She took a deep breath. “I was at our plant in Wuhan last week, and they’ve been reporting a shocking number of absences due to upper respiratory infections. Now, we get a lot of those there, it’s one of the reasons the PPE budget is so big-”</p><p>“PPE?” Bucky asked, spinning a knife in his hand. To the rest of the world, he may have looked casual, but the team knew different. This was Bucky about to let the Winter Soldier out to play.</p><p>“Personal protective equipment,” Pepper supplied. “Masks, gloves, suits, the whole nine. Wuhan makes microchips for us, so we’re pretty intense about it anyway, but we provide masks for off hours wear as well since the air quality is so bad. Anyway, there’s been a spike.”</p><p>She produced a gallon-sized plastic bag with a bunch of tubes and smaller bags in it and passed it to Tony, who passed it to Bruce. “I took a few air quality samples, and I’d like them analyzed. Something is <em>wrong</em>.”</p><p>Tony could feel the entire room freeze. He could personally count on one hand the number of times in the nearly twenty years he’d known Pepper that she sounded like that. <em>Okay</em>, he thought, making sure to keep his face bland, <em>maybe now is when I panic.</em></p><p>“Pepper,” Nat said slowly, “I’m not discounting that we value the lives of SI employees, but why are we here?”</p><p>“Because everyone in Wuhan told me everything was fine in that tone of voice that told me I’m getting bullshit,” Pepper replied. “And I know I’m not officially on the team -”</p><p>Interruptions of “<em>of course you’re on the team</em>” and “<em>we’ve talked about this, Pep</em>” sounded through the air and she smiled, but held up her hand to stop it.</p><p>“But I’m calling for you all to assemble. I don’t know right now what is going on over there, but it’s airborne and it’s nasty. Please find out.”</p><p>The tone in her voice would resonate through all their heads over the next month as they did their best to do just that. Bruce talked to his contacts at the beleaguered CDC and found out that they knew about it, but that no one was listening to them in the administration.</p><p>
  <em>“The President doesn’t think science is worth his time,” Tony said drolly at the news. “Knock me with a feather.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m assuming I can take whatever I want and start looking at this thing?” Bruce said with a glance to Pepper. “It’s in the SARS family, the WHO put out a memo, so we know it’s respiratory and my guess is that it’ll travel pretty well.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Pepper looked over at Tony, who nodded decisively. “What is the use of having so much money I could Scrooge McDuck every day if I can’t spend it on this shit?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ll create the budget line today.”</em>
</p><p>Nat and Clint started undercover work to determine if this was bioterrorism or hubris. Steve flexed some of his Captain America charm and tried to lobby directly with a few lawmakers. Bucky and Sam started training some of the Young Avengers to fight in a variety of conditions.</p><p>
  <em>“Buck,” Steve commented, watching some of the video feed, “far be it for me to comment on your training regimen-”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Like that has stopped you before.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But giving them paintball guns?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bucky scratched his head. “That may have been because I got stuck on a call with Sharon and needed to get them out of earshot.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So you gave them paint?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“They wash, Stevie. Figured it would teach them agility.”</em>
</p><p>Thor was befuddled by humans in the best of times, and off-planet intel was not going to help with a biological problem on Earth. So he took the role of one of Pepper’s temporary PAs - getting her lunch, tracking Tony down when FRIDAY couldn’t be roused, liaising with Steve.</p><p>
  <em>“Thor, I feel like we’re wasting you,” Pepper remarked one day in early January.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Absolutely not, Lady Pepper,” Thor said, sincerely. “A true warrior knows how to serve as well as lead. My role right now is to ensure you can do yours with efficiency. Plus,” he brandished the device in his hand, “Anthony has taught me how to play this game where the animals all gather? I am well occupied when you do not need my assistance.”</em>
</p><p>In February, Steve heard from one of his Senate contacts that if this strain of coronavirus were to hit the U.S., the federal government did not have a plan to stockpile or distribute PPE or other supplies. Later, Steve and Bucky would tell reporters it was almost scary how quickly Tony marshalled his bots into fabricating experimental materials as Pepper shifted four of the Stark Industries plants in the U.S. alone to start making N95 masks.</p><p>
  <em>“Tony!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Boss,” Friday sounded, “Captain Rogers is -”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Captain Rogers wants to feed me, Friday, and I don’t need fed,” Tony replied, not bothering to flip up his safety goggles as he continued to mess with the substance in front of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Boss -”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Friday, not you, too,” Tony replied. “People are dying, Friday. Dying-”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A metal hand was placed on his shoulder. “And more will die if you run yourself into the ground, you fucking idiot. We socially distanced ourselves all the way to that place on 12th you like - thank god for immunity - and we have pho, so get your ass upstairs, now.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tony looked over at Steve, which was a mistake if he was looking for an ally against Bucky’s mothering.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Now, Stark,” Steve pointed to the door, “before we carry you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Promises, promises,” Tony flirted but neither man took the bait. “Fine. Pho break and nothing more.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sure,” Bucky said, his tone slightly mocking. “But then we’re going to talk about sleep.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sleep is -”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Essential for the maintenance of human immune systems,” Thor thundered through Friday.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Jesus CHRIST, girl,” Tony grabbed his heart from the shock. “Warn a guy that Thor learned the intercom.”</em>
</p><p>Of course, it wouldn’t be enough.</p><p>Coronavirus was a hungry animal and humans were both resilient and stubborn. Governments couldn’t believe the data they were seeing and so it was often ignored. Even the most proactive countries faced lack of cooperation from their citizens and interruptions to supply chains that made getting essential services to the right people a challenge. Tony watched in horror as Italy showed footage of coffins and epidemiologists who had seen Ebola first hand were talking about how scared they were.</p><p><em>It just feels like a tsunami and all I got are canoes,</em> he said to Pepper a few times, who responded by telling him to build bigger canoes.</p><p>Pepper had ordered everyone who could work from home at all SI sites to do so, and had given most of the labor force full sick leave. There were several key divisions which were still in full production, and Tony and Pepper had spent agonizing hours over how to keep their staff safe in the midst of still providing essential supply chain elements - especially in their newly constructed manufacturing of PPE. Pepper, in particular, was burning the candle at both ends and frequently sleeping where she collapsed. Tony had never seen her this scared. And in the beginning of March, Pepper called another meeting - this time, over video conferencing.</p><p>“Okay folks, we have everyone on the call, I think,” she started. “Bruce, why don’t you start?”</p><p>“Thanks, Pep, here’s the deal on the biological side of things,” Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. “This thing is a motherfucker.”</p><p>“Succinct,” Bucky said.</p><p>“Noted, Doc,” Clint said.</p><p>“Is that a cow in the background, Barton?” Tony asked.</p><p>“I’m home, numbnuts, of course it’s a cow. Continue.”</p><p>“Can you all mute your microphones when you’re not talking?” Pepper sighed.</p><p>“Sorry, Pep!” Clint grimaced and they all saw the microphone on his screen go red.</p><p>“As I was saying,” Bruce continued, “this is a motherfucker. It’s airborne - up to about six feet - and possibly mutating as it travels. We don’t know that for sure, but it seems like it might be. It’s a natural mutation of an existing virus, so the good news is that the science confirms Nat and Clint’s findings that this wasn’t commissioned by a black market force.”</p><p>“Still think it was grown in a lab and I can’t find it,” Nat offered.</p><p>“Be that as it may,” Bruce continued, “the bad news is that it’s brand new and we have nothing that can fight it but disinfectant and bleach.”</p><p>“Fuck,” Tony said loudly, not bothering this time to keep the undulating sea of panic out of his voice. “No vaccines? No meds?”</p><p>Bruce shook his head. “Nothing but Lysol and keeping away from people.”</p><p>“So, we gotta close -”</p><p>Pepper held up her hand - one of the only effective measures for getting Tony to stop talking once he started. “I just got off the phone with Riley and Abernathy,” she said, naming two other CEOs in Midtown. “We have no confidence that the government will move quick enough, but we can.”</p><p>As she laid out her plan, Tony was reminded why he loved this woman by nearly every definition of the word. He marveled at her - this woman who fought her way up from the accounting office and proved herself able for more than he had ever dreamed. He was a genius with wires and metal and bots, but his only truly genius move with humans had been to turn SI over to Pep and to tell her to do whatever she wanted.</p><p>“So, James,” Pepper was saying as Tony tuned back in, “I’m told you have a plan for patrolling Central Park?”</p><p>The wolfish grin of the Winter Soldier filled the screen and Tony saw Steve roll his eyes on his monitor. “So, the way I see it,” Bucky’s accent was thick, which meant he was really excited and Tony had learned to get ready when Bucky was both devious and excited, “is that Stevie and I can’t catch this thing. We’re not sure about Thor, but Brucie says that if I can’t get the flu, I can’t get this thing.”</p><p>“Affirmative on the diagnosis, negative on the nickname,” Bruce offered.</p><p>“The quips are all coming a little too fast to convince me you are all muted like you promised,” Pepper protested and got another round of ‘sorry’s and clicks of mouses as they muted themselves.</p><p>“I swear to God, I never thought I’d feel empathy for Fury,” Pepper muttered. “Continue, James.”</p><p>“Everyone is supposed to be in their houses and today should be fine because the weather is gross, but tomorrow, it’s supposed to be, what, 70 and sunny? And people are morons and I think I should be allowed to patrol the park tomorrow and yell at people to go home.”</p><p>“That is not the worst idea you’ve ever had,” Sam admitted. “Pepper, I’ll actually give weight to this.”</p><p>“Pep, if Wilson approves of a Barnes idea, we gotta run with it,” Tony chimed in.</p><p>“Oh, can I come?” Peter’s excited face took up his whole video panel.</p><p>Tony had been afraid of this. “No, Underoos -”</p><p>“Tony,” Steve cut him off. “His healing factor is just like ours. If we’re okay, he’s okay.”</p><p>Tony made a face at Steve and then cut his attention to Peter. “Are you 18 yet?”</p><p>“Tony,” Steve growled, “you are not-”</p><p>“No,” Peter replied, with a note of steel in his voice, “but I am a member of the team and I report directly to Mr. Soldier and if he says I can go, I should be allowed to go.”</p><p>“Mr. Soldier thinks it’s a great idea,” Bucky crowed.</p><p>Which is how Twitter nearly crashed the following day with videos and pictures of Spiderman, Captain America, and the Winter Soldier, all in full regalia, stomping and flinging around Central Park, chastising citizens back into their homes.</p><p>Tony’s personal favorite was a video where Bucky sat right in the middle of a group of college students having a picnic, crushing most of their food, but helping himself to one of the bags of tortilla chips.</p><p>“<em>Listen, you fucking morons, here’s the deal,</em>” Video!Bucky said, in between crunches, and Tony was so grateful that Karen captured it through Peter that Tony decided to forgive the kid for turning him into a silver fox. “<em>I’m old, we all know that, right? Or are you that much of a numbskull you don’t know who I am? You look confused, pal,</em>” Video!Bucky pointed directly at a Frat Bro in a backwards baseball cap.</p><p>“<em>I’m not confused,</em>” the kid stammered and Tony could see Bucky smirk.</p><p>“<em>Oh, you must be, because I, a 100 year old World War II veteran who personally killed Nazis so that you could enjoy this land of the free and the home of the brave and who survived years of brainwashing so that I could help continue to fight neonazis, cannot fathom what the living fuck you’re doing outside of your home. I’m assuming you have a home, you overprivileged sack of shit? Because that is an issue that needs addressed, so if I’m wrong and Central Park is your place of residence, tell me now, because I’m drawing some assumptions from the Trader Joe’s picnic and the lady’s Louis Vitton purse over there.</em>”</p><p>Tony howled, even though it was his fourteenth time watching it, because the only face he could see beside Bucky’s was the boy he was talking to. Peter had been crouching in the tree, so the angle wasn’t ideal for the multiple reaction shots Tony craved.</p><p>“<em>No, Mr. Winter Soldier, sir, I have a home,</em>” the boy squawked.</p><p>“<em>So you like those asshats on the beaches in Florida? Or the chick who licked a toilet seat on a plane? You think you’re above this and therefore your need to get out of the house is more important than say, my pal Tony’s need to be alive?”</em></p><p>Video!Bucky munched on another handful of chips and continued. <em>“I’ll take your silence as assent that you are, in fact, like those asshats, so allow me to continue. I can’t catch nothing, we all know that, you all studied Stevie in school, so I can be out here, patrolling, keeping everyone safe, but you know who can catch everything? Nurses. EMTs. The folks stocking the shelves at Trader Joe’s to keep you in hummus. Mail Carriers. And yes, my friend Tony, who is immunocompromised because he’s had, like, fourteen heart surgeries and I’m absolutely terrified he’s going to die from this thing because some motherfucking morons decided they were fine and could do whatever they wanted.</em></p><p>
  <em>“So, I’m giving you exactly three minutes to get the fuck out of this park, walking six feet apart from each other. When you get home, you will stay there, and you will tip any Seamless driver at least 30% this week because I swear to my pal Thor that if you don’t follow the rules, I will make your life far more miserable than sitting on your couch can. And as far as we know, I can live forever.”</em>
</p><p>“Friday, here’s my favorite part,” Tony said, mouthing the words along with Bucky.</p><p>
  <em>“Because I can’t shoot the virus like I shot Nazis, but if you’re willingly spreading this thing, then you are classified as a terrorist and I’m sure I’ll soon be allowed to shoot you, so get the fuck off the public lawn and GO THE FUCK HOME YOU ABSOLUTE MORONS.”</em>
</p><p>“I do so love a grumpy Bucky,” Tony said, spinning in his chair at the sound of someone behind him.</p><p>“How many times have you watched that thing?” Steve asked.</p><p>“I have been in this tower for <em>eleven days</em>, Steven,” Tony replied. “Eleven. Days.”</p><p>“And you’ll be in it for a bit more,” Steve retorted with absolutely no sympathy. “Where are we on the ventilators? Can you 3D print them like you thought?”</p><p>Tony shook his head. “No, but I did a video call with some kids at CalTech who were evidently already experimenting with portable ventilators for firefighters and they had some interesting ideas about polymers. So I’m playing with them now and we’ll see.”</p><p>“The hand sanitizer supply?”</p><p>“I think we have a line on aloe in from Campeche in Mexico,” Tony said, “but I know Pep is talking to Diageo to see how many distilleries can be converted quickly. Some small places are doing it, but I know Guinness in Maryland could pump out a few thousand gallons a day if I’ve done the math right. I just don’t know sanitization procedures and how long they’d take.”</p><p>“You always do the math right,” Steve smiled softly.</p><p>Tony waved him off and Steve turned to leave, but not before looking Tony directly in the eyes. “What Buck said? About being terrified? Me too, Tony.”</p><p>“I am too, Steve,” Tony confessed. “We’re good at battles, right? We fought how many now, and we always win. Always. But, this one?” Tony ran his hand over his face. “There’s so many other people we need fighting with us who aren’t pulling their weight, and we got May out there in the ER every shift she can take, and Pep’s about to collapse, she’s spending so much time coordinating with everyone.”</p><p>“There’s hope, though,” Steve put his hand on Tony’s shoulder. “We’ve also got MJ and Shuri working on ways to get real time data from populations that exist outside the health care systems. We got Peter and Hulk and Thor doing PSAs that are getting shared all over social media. You’ve got reports that say we are flattening the curve in some spots.”</p><p>“And we’ve got you and RoboCop patrolling Manhattan,” Tony smirked.</p><p>“All in a day’s work,” Steve grinned. “And Pep twisted my arm into doing a few PSAs as well.”</p><p>“More backwards chair sitting in a nondescript hallway?”</p><p>“I can only dream,” Steve quipped.</p><p>They both jumped as Friday called Steve’s name.</p><p>“Yeah, Friday?”</p><p>“You have Agents Barton and Romanov requesting video chat,” Friday trilled.</p><p>“Throw ‘em on, my girl,” Tony replied and soon Nat, Clint, and Laura filled the screen from the living room of the farmhouse.</p><p>“Laura! What a lovely surprise!” Steve waved at the screen.</p><p>“Hi Steve! Did you try the chilli recipe yet? Was it too hot?”</p><p>“No, but I still say chilli should have beans in it,” Steve replied.</p><p>“Heathen,” Laura scoffed affectionately.</p><p>“Anyway,” Clint said dramatically, “we’re calling to get an update on the project in -”</p><p>“We need more puzzles, Stark,” Nat interrupted Clint’s faux-business to get to the real issue. “We’re bored out of our minds. Build me more puzzles.”</p><p>Tony started laughing and signaled to SAHPY - Shelter at Home Programming Yields - to start building more things to ship to the farm. The group chatted for a few more minutes, until Tony’s phone beeped that Bucky was calling. Tony signaled to the farm folks that he’d send stuff right away and then answered the phone.</p><p>“Frosty, how can I help?”</p><p>“The kid’s a mess,” Bucky said. “Training room.”</p><p>Tony and Steve were off like a shot and having Friday open the elevator for them. After Bruce and Cho had determined that Peter’s mutation also prevented him from getting sick or from being a carrier, he’d been cleared to be around Tony just like Bucky and Steve were, as long as they all washed their hands before touching metal or humans in an absolute abundance of caution. Pepper and Thor had moved back into the tower at the beginning of the crisis for ease of commute, and the six of them had set a rhythm of life over the past two weeks.</p><p>Steve and Tony arrived in the training room to find Peter building himself an elaborate spider web and Bucky supervising from a distance.</p><p>“Um…” Steve said as they approached Bucky.</p><p>“May’s sick,” Bucky said, his voice devoid of emotion. “They’re putting her in quarantine and I told her to come here, and so she will, but he’s…”</p><p>“But she’s healthy, right? I mean, no underlying conditions, and…” Tony looked frantically back and forth between Steve and Bucky, but knew what they were thinking. This thing is killing whoever it wants to.</p><p>“The 28th floor is the quarantine floor,” Steve said. “Pepper told me it was finished last week. I think she’ll be the first resident, actually.”</p><p>“But Pete can still visit,” Tony said.</p><p>“He can,” Bucky nodded. “But it’s May.”</p><p>The three men watched as Peter crawled throughout his creation, largely in silence. Their eyes followed him as he dropped down in front of one of the punching bags and started going to town. Their hearts broke as they heard his sobs and Tony could no longer hold himself back.</p><p>“Hey spiderling,” Tony crooned softly as he pulled the boy into a hug. “Fuck this bug.”</p><p>Peter laughed out a sob and leaned into the hug. “Mr. America said she could stay here?”</p><p>“You know, I think you do the names to be intentionally cute sometimes. But, of course,” Tony said. “Of course she can.”</p><p>“She’s not the only one,” Peter said. “There’s three other nurses-”</p><p>“We have room for 25. First come, first serve,” Tony replied.</p><p>“I can’t lose her,” Peter sniffed.</p><p>“Well, we’re going to do whatever we can to make sure that doesn’t happen, aren’t we,” Tony replied and started leading Peter over to where Bucky and Steve were standing.</p><p>“And we’ll do it how we always do it,” Steve smiled.</p><p>“Together.” Peter’s watery smile reminded Tony why they were doing everything they were, why they were fighting so hard, and why sitting on his couch was just as significant as beheading the purple people eater. Just because the enemy wasn’t visible didn’t mean it was less deadly.</p><p>Later that night, Peter was in his room, video chatting with MJ, and the adults were out on the balcony, staring into the fire pit. Pepper had vodka, Tony had whiskey, the sober soldiers had their version of culinary coping: Cracker Jacks. Thor was slowly sipping something that smelled suspiciously like moonshine and about which Tony was afraid to query.</p><p>“You know,” Tony said, interrupting a conversation between Pepper and Thor about a position she wanted to create in the digital marketing department - Thor had <em>feelings</em> on graphic design, much to everyone’s surprise, “I’ve been pretty quiet throughout this whole thing.”</p><p>“Bullshit,” Bucky snorted and Tony flipped him off.</p><p>“I mean publicly,” Tony clarified. “Cap, get your phone, we’re going to put this on Instagram Live. It’s what all the cool kids are doing.”</p><p>“Is this because Hammer did one last week?” Pepper remarked.</p><p>Bucky gestured to his threadbare sweatpants. “I ain’t dressed, Stark.”</p><p>“Oh, like our share prices won’t go up five points at the sight of you out of combat gear,” Tony scoffed. “And this has <em>nothing</em> to do with Hammer, Pepper, it has to do with the fact that I would like to address my adoring public.”</p><p>“This is a monumentally terrible idea,” Pepper murmured, but made no moves to stop it.</p><p>“Like that has literally ever stopped him,” Steve said as he angled the camera. “Ready, Tony. Tell me when to hit start.”</p><p>Tony took a deep breath and winked at Steve.</p><p>“Hello citizens of the planet, Tony Stark here, reporting in from my house, where I have been sheltering for the last two weeks per the orders of Mayor DeBlasio and Governor Cuomo and all the laws of fucking common sense.”</p><p>Tony heard Bucky snort. “Sure, I’ve got super soldier friends, say hi, guys.” Bucky and Steve said hello. “Are people watching, Cap?”</p><p>“Yes, Tony,” Steve couldn’t hide the amusement in his voice. “A couple.”</p><p>“You got about two thousand bored folks hanging on to your every word, Stark,” Bucky said. “Get on with it.”</p><p>“Right,” Tony cleared his throat. “Like I said, I’m coming to you live from our balcony. You’ve heard all of the incredible work that SI is doing - of which I can take very limited credit and all praise should be heaped on our CEO and her amazing staff - and I know you’re all following the Avengers because I see the memes.</p><p>“About 12 years ago, I was kidnapped, kids ask your parents, and I ended up with ⅓ less of my lungs and almost ⅔ my heart capacity. That’s not something we talk about with the arc reactor, I know, but the laws of physics say that two things cannot take up the same space, so when the hero who saved me had to squish some things... there were consequences to my body. I’m classified as ‘high risk’ in this crisis for that reason, and because I’m not exactly a spring chicken, and because I travel so much, and because I live in New York.</p><p>“I, like many of you, have been able to stay home. I have a job that allows me to work from a couch, a bank account that allows me to feed myself, and live in a country that has systems in place that - even when they’re not working as they should - allow me access to soap and water. I, like many of you, also hate being cooped up against my will. I’ve been crabby this week, and shut up, Cap, no commentary from the peanut gallery.”</p><p>“Wasn’t gonna say anything, Tony!” Steve laughed.</p><p>“Sure,” Tony snorted good naturedly. “Today, I found out that someone I love very much, someone who is family to me, someone who has been on the front lines of this thing, tested positive. She didn’t have the luxury to stay home, because we needed her. She didn’t have the privilege of weathering this out from her sofa. She went to work because that’s what heroes do when they’re called - they show up.</p><p>“And now, I’m adding my voice to the calls for those of you who do not need to be anywhere, to be a hero and <em>stay the f home</em>. Being a hero right now is not picking up a gun, or carrying a shield. Being a hero is following instructions. Being a hero is being kind to grocery store employees, and tipping delivery drivers extra. Being a hero is going shopping for elderly neighbors or immunocompromised folks like me. Being a hero means staying the f home if you can so that those on the frontlines can do their damn jobs. Being a hero means that if your job calls for you to show up, you do it, and if it doesn’t, you don’t. End of.</p><p>“Think of it this way. What if, during the Battle of New York, a bunch of you hung out at Grand Central because you had cabin fever. You sat right in the middle of everything and, all of a sudden, instead of focusing on the Chitauri, we had to focus on getting you all to safety as well. And then you wouldn’t move. Guess what, so many more folks would have died. The damage would have been worse and the whole thing would have lasted longer because of some entitled asshats - to steal Bucky’s favorite word - who decided they were above the whole thing.</p><p>“You are not above this thing. If you don’t need to be anywhere, <em>stay home</em>. If you need to be somewhere, wash your hands and stay as far away from other humans as you can. As much as you possibly can, only interact with members of your household in person. Everyone else gets to be on video. Thank you to our doctors, nurses, first responders, manufacturers, delivery people, and everyone else who is looking at social media right now and wishing they were bored.”</p><p>Tony broke eye contact with the camera and looked around the circle. “Anyone else wanna say anything?”</p><p>“Nah, you covered it, Stark,” Bucky replied.</p><p>“Thumbs up from me,” Pepper said and Thor grinned.</p><p>“Captain America approves this message,” Steve smiled and winked at Tony.</p><p>“Then that’s it from this site of social distancing,” Tony redirected his attention to the camera. “Wash your hands, follow the rules, and I promise we’ll get through this.”</p><p>After Steve hit ‘end’, he said a few thousand more people had joined. “Mixed reactions.”</p><p>“What was with the lack of profanity?” Bucky asked.</p><p>“Some of us can clean our language for the youths, Frosty the Soldierman. And let me guess,” Tony sighed, “folks wanting to know why I haven’t invented a vaccine yet.”</p><p>“A few asking why you can’t singlehanded save the U.S. economy,” Steve replied.</p><p>“I swear to God, I am going to fund economics lessons when this all over,” Tony muttered. “Where are we at on donations, Pep?”</p><p>“25 million,” Pepper answered blithely. “You need to call McInerney again tomorrow. He never called back today.”</p><p>Tony nodded. “Which fund?”</p><p>“U.S. Bartenders,” she said. “We did Broadway Equity yesterday, and God’s Love We Deliver two days ago.”</p><p>“What is this?” Bucky asked.</p><p>“Oh, let me explain,” Thor interrupted. “Each day, Lady Pepper pulls a business card out of a fishbowl for a non-profit that is helping people through the crisis. Then she gives money to it from Stark funds and Tony calls a friend and makes them match it out of their funds. It’s the most brilliant game.”</p><p>Steve smiled and shook his head. “And how much of this is going in a press briefing?”</p><p>Tony waved his hand and made a face. “People think what they want about me. We have a lot of foundations, it goes through them.”</p><p>Steve smiled and rolled his eyes and Tony grabbed for his phone back. “Now, enough serious, someone text Underoos and see if he’s done with MJ. I’ll get the projector because tonight’s balcony movie around the fire is my pick.”</p><p>“I am not watching Weird Science, Tony,” Pepper called after Tony’s retreating form as he went to his office to gather the equipment.</p><p>It wasn’t for a few years, really, before everything settled. May recovered, as did everyone else who stayed in SI quarantine facilities, but Peter was nervous whenever she went to work for a long time. The vaccine took a while to perfect and distribute, which frustrated Steve to no end because he assumed it would move faster than he had read that the polio vaccine had.</p><p>
  <em>“Things still need to grow in petri dishes, pal,” Bruce smiled sadly. “We can’t fast forward science.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Work on that,” Steve muttered.</em>
</p><p>Travel was arduous for a bit, and Tony was <em>real</em> grateful for the quinjets. It took a long time for people to trust each other again, for folks to stop blaming each other for irresponsible spread, and for all the systems to recover. The loss of life was terrible - as it was in all wars - and it was markedly worse in places that didn’t manage to flatten the curve and sometimes, you could catch Bruce late at night staring at world maps, lost in thought about how to do better in developing nations on the next outbreak.</p><p>However, on the whole, people did what they are wont to do … they survived.</p><p>Tony couldn’t lie though, he loved that whenever another wave threatened, people pulled out the memes again. His face would be all over the internet with the quote “<em>You are not above anything. If you don’t need to be anywhere, stay the f home.</em>” It was a misquote, but a fun one, and if it ended up being Tony’s most lasting legacy, he wasn’t that crabby about it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Few quick notes: However you're feeling right now is okay. This is hard and weird and however we get through, being kind to ourselves and each other is good. If you're (like me) in an essential role, take care of yourself the best you can. </p><p>Also, the charities that I mention are real and are, of course, in need of funds, but so do food banks and others in your area. If you've got spare cash, this is a great time to part with it to help your fellow humans. </p><p>____<br/>Find me on <a href="http://www.twitter.com/betheflame1">Twitter</a> or <a href="http://betheflame.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a> for more on these yahoos. You can also submit prompts and cajole me into writing faster - it usually works. If you're on Discord, I'm definitely there, too, and probably hanging in the <a href="https://discord.gg/z5WSqbS">Stony</a> or <a href="https://discord.gg/jtXcc3n">Stuckony</a> servers.<br/>Oh! And FestiveFerret and I have a <a href="http://www.podonthesuit.com">fandom podcast</a> if you're so inclined.<br/><br/></p></blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
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        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362237">collab: betheflame</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/kocuria/pseuds/kocuria-visuals">kocuria-visuals (kocuria)</a>
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